Another week gone on the road to WrestleMania, another article about the Showcase of the Immortals to write.
This week, something different has happened. I generally write my article while Raw is airing, then have to go back and rewrite it after something happens during the show. This week, I’m sad to say that I wrote my article before the weekend even began, which meant that when the genius kicked in on Monday, I had to write a whole new article to cover it.
Many of you will have noticed my articles are generally titled with lines from songs, and this week is no exception.
It’s mostly done because the line fits with what I’m writing about, but this week, it’s also done in the hope that the fine fellows from the MFX Podcast will use the song in their break on the show. This week, I would suggest everyone listens even more than I usually do. Not only because the podcast rocks, but just in case they use this song – it’s total quality.
So, twisting my melon…man
At this point, as the author, I’d like to apologise to anyone reading. This is almost guaranteed to spoil your enjoyment of WrestleMania, and cement my place as the foremost wrestling writer on the planet. It will force Vince to give me a job writing his shows because a) I just came up with what his writers did, and I did it for free or b) He’s had to fire his writers and rewrite Mania because what I’m about to write is better than what they’ve got.
The show will open up with the usual singing of America the Beautiful, only this year, for the first time, it will not be sung by an American. In a strange twist of fate, Vince has invited a singer from the UK to go over and sing it, and his number one pick is that of former Steps favourite, H.
This enrages the Hulkster because he’s a real American (not to be confused with the Real Americans) and he doesn’t believe a singer from the UK should be opening the show. As the Host of the show, Hulk decides the only way to settle this is with a good old fashioned pummelling.
As all the referees have already been assigned, Hulk (as host) decides the next person through the curtains will have to be the ref. This has obviously come as a total shock to everyone else on the card, and no-one’s really paying attention to Hulk. They’re all carrying on as normal.
Here’s where my genius starts. The opening match is due to get underway, and the music hits – “time to play the game…” – that’s right, Hunter v Bryan was the first match scheduled. As Hulk is host, his decision is final, giving us a new opening match of H vs HH with HHH as ref, which sets a new record high for the number of H’s in the ring at any one time. Bret Hart wins after H gets salt in his eyes and can’t continue. If that doesn’t happen, it’s a Tragedy…
That’s good, but the next bit’s even better. HHH vs Bryan will be a vicious battle, and it’ll probably be a No-DQ match by the time we get to Mania. It’ll last a while, and both wrestlers will leave it all in the ring. Bryan wins, but such is the brutality of the match, it’s doubtful he’ll even make it into the main-event. The last we see of Hunter, he’s in an ambulance heading for hospital.
The main-event comes around and Bryan limps his way to the ring, puts on a brave face and really, really tries to overcome the odds. Things aren’t looking good, but somehow, the plucky underdog manages to come back and finally, it looks like he has a chance of actually pulling off the victory everyone wants to see.
Suddenly in a shocking twist, HHH appears and distracts Bryan, allowing Batista to hit the Spear. That’s not enough for Hunter though, and he tells Batista to pick Bryan up again, while he goes for a steel chair. The Animal does as he is told. HHH swings the chair, Bryan ducks and the chairshot hits Batista, allowing Bryan to pick up the victory, and 75,000 people join in the celebrations, chanting “YES!” What a way to end WrestleMania.
But wait…HHH is back in the ring, and circling. Bryan sees him at the last minute, and turns as the two face off. Bryan stands defiant, giving it the “YES! YES! YES!” Trips is boiling with rage. They go face-to-face. It’s about to kick off when, all of a sudden, Hunter’s shoulders start moving. His arms are aloft. He’s joining in!
They embrace in the ring as it becomes clear they’ve been on the same side all along. Steph and Vince soon follow suit, and the closing image is Bryan between the McMahon family as everyone in the ring celebrates.
Now this may sound far-fetched, but let’s go back to before Elimination Chamber. Hunter and Steph, on the stage announcing Orton would face all his EC opponents, and maybe if Bryan won, they would have to reconsider him as being the “face of the WWE”.
Two weeks ago, when Bryan occupied the ring, Hunter told him “be careful what you wish for, you might just get it”. What if he wasn’t talking to Bryan, but to the WWE Universe?
Look at the logic. The WWE Universe has pretty much forced WWE to change the main-event, and how much fun would it be for Vince and HHH to give them it, then turn Bryan heel straight afterwards?
Vince and Hunter get to figuratively flick the Vicky’s at the IWC and smarks everywhere. Fans can continue with the Yes chant, or change it to No. It makes no difference, because HHH has now managed to align himself with Bryan, and gatecrash all the media attention he gets.
HHH gets to come out the next night on Raw and look confused “Isn’t this what you wanted? Bryan’s champ!” while the fans chant “No!” at him. Kane, his ex-partner, is in on it. Bray Wyatt can be in on it. The Shield can cement a face turn because of it. And of course, Hunter gets a WrestleMania Moment – one they’ll be selling DVDs about in the years to come.
It moves Bryan from not being the top babyface to being the top heel. It turns Batista face, and allows them to face off just as his movie comes out so he can do publicity as the face who wants to take the title away from the tyranny of HHH and the WWE machine.
Seriously, if WWE don’t do this, they’re missing a trick. Imagine 75,000 people giving it “Yes! Yes! Yes!”, then imagine the look on their faces when they realise what’s gone down. 75,000 fans screaming “Yes!” would be a good way to end WrestleMania, but my way would end it brilliantly.
Don’t tell me that’s not twisting your melon man.
As always any comments are welcome below, and make sure you check out the fantastic work done by my fellow writers here on SLTD in the run up to WrestleMania. Again, I’d recommend the MFX Podcast to everyone out there. They regularly make me LOL, and I don’t mean that in the awkward way that people answer something when they’ve got nothing to say.
My Twitter is on fire, with almost 4 new followers in the last two weeks. You can follow me too @GrantCookDFC
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